Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
