did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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