He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So much rum. So many feels.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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