I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
