like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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