I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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