So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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