I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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