We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
