barbara walters just said penis...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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