I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
