There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
