you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
