how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
