I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
