Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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