he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
