As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
