Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
