"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Randomize