dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
