and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
