I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
