im drinking this country out of the recession.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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