i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
