She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
