Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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