im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize