Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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