i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
