Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
