Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
