i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
time to smoke my breakfast
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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