Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
