hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize