my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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