I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Soap is not a condiment
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
