just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
