My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
