I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
