That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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