Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
