I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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