$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
