Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
