My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
