my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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