I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
