I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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