I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
