I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
