Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Come share oat with me in your robe
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
