Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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