I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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