seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize