She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I need to calm my uterus...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
