My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
